It's a new year, and I'm still kickin. Quite frankly, I think that's amazing. This past year has had some major ups and downs, and I'm pretty much over 2007.

My perpetually sunny self has gone into hibernation for the Winter, and I sure as hell hope to see that girl again...

I'm hopeful cause I have to be..

Happy New Year!

The keyboard feels unfamiliar to my fingers now.. It's been a long time. I have to admit that I forgot even the email address that I used to open this little word-stream of mine, and it took me three tries to get the password correct. I keep making typos. I'm sorry I kept you here in the dark, my sweet, silent friend.

Funny how life continues to happen while you wait patiently for me..

My new home, my own first true home, is coming together nicely. The modern rug is on the polished cement floor of my loft, the mod/retro bits and ends are tying all things and colors together. I used to hate the color 'orange.' I now have a full, ten foot high wall painted in my bedroom of this bright, vibrant color from Shermann Williams. They call it "Invigorate." I bought a lamp to match... not just any lamp, but an amazing "only the Brady bunch would have it in their living room" kind of lamp with little chocolate and orange ovals on it. It's SO ugly that only one other person bid on it against me on EBAY, and I believe it was a half-hearted bid at that. So, I'm sitting here, waiting on the new light to arrive via UPS. Dammit, I would have it by now if I had only checked before bidding that the seller only takes money orders and personal checks. If he/she took paypal, it'd be here, in all its glorious illumination, completing my home.

That's all it's going to take, right? The perfect lamp or the antique, sterling silver penguin shaped coffee pot from India? That's all it's going to take to make me feel more at home, like I belong. I've worked so hard on this house, and I feel like an interloper still.. like I'm living someone else's life, or worse yet, watching someone else's life while I wait for mine to begin. I'm letting time pass as I sit here with my perfectly picked kitsch.

Anyone who sees my life from the outside thinks to themselves, "She's got it going on. She's got a fantastic job (well, at least she's not a waitress at Outback anymore) and a great home. She's got that great Summer condo too in Corpus with an uninterrupted view of the bay where you can watch the pelicans and dolphins from the livingroom. Yep. She's come a long way." (Yeah, and she types with a lot of ""s too.)

Yep yep. Enviable. Me and my houses and my convertible and my rockin job. You know that girl who projects confidence in every step? You know the one with the self-depreciating humor? That hard worker, that self-starter, that go-getter? yup yup. Enviable me. I have everything but the one thing I really want.

My ex is my best friend. We get together at least once a week over margaritas and fajitas and talk about the week's events. Every now an then (and usually after the second margarita), we talk about getting back together. I think it's more about the familiarity we have with one another than an actual desire to cohabitate again.

I tried dating a bit. Barely. I actually joined an online singles meeting thing for professionals. I met a guy who I really enjoyed--at first. He was SO tall, and I love that after being married to someone a bit shorter. There's something comforting about being the petite one in the couple when I'm 6'0" tall. It felt safe. On our first date, we met at a sports bar and then went on to a gaming room where we played air hockey and pool, and I coulda cleaned him out if we'd bet money on any of the games. When he hugged me goodnight, he actually lifted me off the ground to do so. Damn that felt good. We met a few more times for drinks, dinner, and dancing. And, boy, did the phonecalls never stop. Multiple times a day. Multiple requests a day for more dates. I don't play games, so I told him, "Dude. I just got out of a nine year relationship. Let's keep this light. I like you, don't want to see anyone else right now, but you're kinda freaking me out." The constant pressure kept coming, so I went.

Second dude... well, he was too funny. I enjoyed talking to him on the phone a number of times. Software engineer or some geeky thing like that. I have to stop here and state, for the record, that I LOVE geeky boys with good grades! Anyhoo.. I get this strange feeling that he's juggling a few commitments, so I asked him about his living situation (funny how he always seemed to call when he was at work, or wanted me to call him at work, but not at home) and he goes on to tell me that he's currently living with his soon to be exe's mother. Do wha?! Motoring on now...

There's a guy at work who keeps flirting with me, and for my own ego's sake, I flirt back. It's cool though, I think. He asked me once what I'd do if he were serious about us "hooking up," and I told him that it would most likely ruin a good flirting friendship, and that would suck. He agreed. See.. the boy is married. I think he might have asked to make sure that it was safe to continue. Does that make sense? If I were at all really receptive, I think he'd get all geeked. I told him that he doesn't have to worry cause this girl doesn't play in other people's sandboxes. He did seem relieved. I think we both dig the ego-boost that comes from flirting.

I let my subscription/prescription to the professional singles online service lapse. I checked it out again, just perusing the singles ads after not having been online there in months. Same people were there.. The tall guy, the software engineer guy, etc.

And I'm still here..

It's been a long time since last I wrote... a lot has happened in the last few months..

About the move to Tejas.. it is so Flipping HOT here! I'm enjoying the heat while by the pool and when I'm rollerbladin, but it's a bit too hot for tennis at the moment! What else bout Tejas? The Mexican food and margaritas are to die for!! They sure didn't have much of that up there in Connecticut! People up there kept tellin me where the good Mexican food was, and it was all !!

Bout the new Job:
Workin in the pediatric cardiovascular intensive care unit is so incredibly hard and rewarding at the same time... I thought I knew something when I left the ole PICU up there in CT, but it is NOTHING compared to this! Woo.. kids on Berlin hearts, ECMO, LVADs, BIVADS, heart transplants, etc.. it is all a bit overwhelming, but I think it will be amazing once I've really gotten into it. I'll give it at least a year before I make up my mind for sure about staying. It took me that long to get used to the PICU in CT, so I should at least give it that..

Bout Men:
Well there are a few updates there. My husband (soon to be ex) has put a bid in on a house and will most likely be moving out at the beginning of August. It's both a relief and a bit scary. We've been together now for going on nine years. It's also a bit strange cause we seem to be getting along better now that he's accepted the fact that we make better friends than we do husband and wife.

My friend across the wide ocean: Well, it seems to me that men have a very special kind of radar. The minute I tell myself that I'm not going to be so eager to return his infrequent emails (as he takes so long to return mine) and make myself not so available, the dude calls me and all those feelings come flooding back in. I swear they must have radar that alerts them to the fact that you're about to move on, so they blip back on the screen to make their presence known. The cool thing is that we've been talking about either me going to visit him and take a little cruise over to Copenhagen, or he'll come to visit here. I'm both excited and a bit scared about the possiblities..... we'll see. All I know is that I seem to fall all over again when I hear his voice. Don't even ask what happens internally when I see him and get to look into his eyes... woo baby!!

About transportation:
I bought myself a new ride. It's a 2003 hard top convertible Mercedes. Oh my freaking goodness!!! It is like the hottest little car. I've named her Maggie. I think I truly know what love feels like now... *purr* Open highway and a long stretch of pavement + me and Maggie = loooove..

Tis all good...
Itinerant Woman

I am So incredibly ready to move!! April 1st and I'm going to be in Houston, Texas.. Starting a new, challenging job and a new life!!! I'm packing and cleaning out the house like crazy. I do love moving just for the fact that it is so cleansing to go through all your junk and throw away or donate all the things you know you won't be using in the future. It's like a good life scrubbing.


A bit afraid of the new job. It's going to be extraordinarily challenging. The learning curve will be steep as I'm going to be working in a pediatric cardiovascular intensive care unit. I currently work in a regular pediatric intensive care unit where we get a little of everything. This new unit will be primarily taking care of babies and children after they've had cardiac surgery. Boy oh boy.. am I going to have to mind my p's and q's there! Little joke for the p-qrs-t CV people out there. I think it will rock once I stop shaking.

Much love peeps!! Spring is almost here!

I've come to the conclusion that I am a sucker.

I'm having some very serious self-esteem issues today. My soon to be ex and I were having a conversation about the end of our relationship, and he kept saying how amazing and wonderful I am. blah blah blah His friends think I'm cool, my friends think I'm cool, blah blah blah

My question is, if I'm so amazing and sexy and wonderful, then why didn't the one person I wanted to treat me that way, not treat me as if I were indeed amazing? I am such a sucker. I don't know how not to love with everything I am. I give until I turn inside out, and the problem is, and I'm just now realizing it, is that I give without expecting the same in return. I've set very low standards for myself when it comes to expecting a return on my emotional investment. Why did he let my heart wither up from lack of care? Why did he only start showing that he cared when I said I was leaving? He tells me that he can't answer the "why" questions. Too bad. Those are the ones I most need answered.

I hope I get it right next time. I am absolutely aching inside and crying on the outside right now for want of that true, deep return of love. I guess I figured if I gave love out full on that it would be returned in kind.

What a sucker I am.