I've been reading about in this blogstream, and am I ever amazed about how not alone I am! Seems like there's a lot of people out there hurting and searching for answers to their problems. Makes me feel a bit better to not be so alone in this quest for a happy life. Funny thing is, even though my problems seem so huge at times, I wouldn't want to live without having the "dark" times. Any joy I feel seems to be more intense because I'm able to compare/contrast those times with the darker times in my life.

When I reflect back on the past and the tribulations of my childhood, I realize how far I've come. I'm a much more whole person than I was earlier on in my life. Although I have problems to deal with now, I recognize that it was far more difficult to deal with my problems at a younger age. If there was anything I would change about my younger years, it would be to have my current knowledge and perspective at that age. I would love to go back to those formative teen years and give that tall, shy, geeky girl the perspective I have now! But then, maybe I wouldn't be who I am today if I had the benefit of these years of experience.

I just read a blog entry by Anthony, and he's desperately wanting to "obtain" the object of his affection, Jenny. Do I ever remember those days! Funny thing is, the quest may continue as we get older for those of us who haven't found and attained that "soul mate" connection, but time gives you perspective. I believe that right person is out there for me, and I believe I will recognize him when he enters my life. At least...I hope I will!

So, over Christmas, an event occurred that made me really see the light. I realized how insanely stupid I was years ago when I had the opportunity to change the course of my life. I was involved almost 9 years ago now with my boyfriend, and when we traveled to my boyfriend's country of origin, I met his family and friends. One of these friends in particular, absolutely struck a chord within my soul. I ignored it, because that's what good girls do. Each time I've seen this friend, usually once a year or so, I felt this amazing heat and passion that I would brush off once the plane took off heading back for the U.S. I ended up marrying my boyfriend, who is a particularly decent and good man. He ended up not being the love of my life--big surprise.

So, as my relationship with my husband had been coming to an end, we once again traveled to his country of origin to visit family over the holidays. On the last night there, a large group of our friends gathered to go out for dinner and a bit of "pubbing" afterwards. This great friend of my husband's was there, and so was that magnetic current that seems to thread its way into us each time we're near each other.

I spent nearly the entire night talking with this friend. After the pubbing was through, my husband (soon to be ex), the designated driver, drove some people home, and this friend and I walked home. The things we said to one another may have partially been fueled by a little alcohol, but most of it was just simply there waiting to come out. Twice, on this snowy, cold walk home, we stopped and kissed. It was amazing. Who knew a kiss could say so much? Who knew that this friend would say the things he said? I still hear his voice in my head saying, "I want to take you away and make love to you all night." I still see his eyes as he spoke to me with so much sincerity about not having felt like this before with the exception of the one other woman he's had a serious relationship with. When I close my eyes and go back in my mind to that night, my heart swells in my chest and my breath catches in my throat. It filled my mind and heart, and set my soul aflame again.

So, back home in the U.S., I tell this friend that I'm willing at some point in the future after my husband and I legally part, to facilitate our getting to spend time together to explore this "thing" between us. We think about it for a couple of days, and realize that it would be very complicated to attempt to form anything other than a friendship. He would lose one of his best childhood friends, and the hurt it would cause my husband and his family would just be too great.

Okay, we decide that friendship is the best plan. Yes, I agree with my mind, but my heart is not quite cooperating with the program. I keep wondering if I will feel this way again for anyone else? I'm approached on a near weekly basis by docs and residents and people I work with to go out, and I've never even been tempted. This guy just simply strikes all the right chords within me. Will I meet someone else who makes me feel this alive and on fire? I'm upset not only because I realize that he and I cannot, in decent conscience, make an attempt to nurture anything other than friendship between us, but also because I'm so terrified of not feeling this way again.

I have felt this way twice in my life, and both times, because of convention, I've let it go. Damn.

So, now I'm going to sit with these intense feelings trapped with me and my heart beating a million miles a minute, and I'm going to wait. I'm aware now, that the next time (if there's a next time) an opportunity exists to love and feel like this, that I will not let it go without a fight. I so want to feel deeply and love hard in this lifetime!

I made all these decisions to change my life, and I cannot be more happy about the direction my life is soon to take. I am, however, in a waiting pattern for the next two months or so. I can't pack my stuff (lest I seem to eager to leave), and I can't start interviewing for a new job in Houston, because I don't know exactly when I'll be leaving. It will be really good to change everything about my life, but the waiting for the commencement of this change is driving me crazy!

I'm sure it will be good once it happens... I hope :)

You know that stress test that you can take to evaluate how your high (or low) your level of stress is based on a variety of factors in your life? Some of the criteria are whether or not you've had a death in the family, a recent change in address, change in jobs, loss of a marriage, etc. These tests say that even "good" and "expected" change can elevate your stress to very high levels. Well, here I am at the top of the world, Ma, and most certainly at the higher end of the stress scale. I've been afraid for a number of years to really follow my heart, but that bad pattern of behavior is overwith now.

Ch ch ch changes? Let's see... I told my husband and partner of almost 9 years that I'm leaving, I'm moving from the North East to the Gulf Coast, changing jobs, and making a brand new start at my age. (Over 30 and under 40 if you please)

Okay, life, here I come. This is the one shot I've got, and I'm gonna rock it out the best I can.