The keyboard feels unfamiliar to my fingers now.. It's been a long time. I have to admit that I forgot even the email address that I used to open this little word-stream of mine, and it took me three tries to get the password correct. I keep making typos. I'm sorry I kept you here in the dark, my sweet, silent friend.

Funny how life continues to happen while you wait patiently for me..

My new home, my own first true home, is coming together nicely. The modern rug is on the polished cement floor of my loft, the mod/retro bits and ends are tying all things and colors together. I used to hate the color 'orange.' I now have a full, ten foot high wall painted in my bedroom of this bright, vibrant color from Shermann Williams. They call it "Invigorate." I bought a lamp to match... not just any lamp, but an amazing "only the Brady bunch would have it in their living room" kind of lamp with little chocolate and orange ovals on it. It's SO ugly that only one other person bid on it against me on EBAY, and I believe it was a half-hearted bid at that. So, I'm sitting here, waiting on the new light to arrive via UPS. Dammit, I would have it by now if I had only checked before bidding that the seller only takes money orders and personal checks. If he/she took paypal, it'd be here, in all its glorious illumination, completing my home.

That's all it's going to take, right? The perfect lamp or the antique, sterling silver penguin shaped coffee pot from India? That's all it's going to take to make me feel more at home, like I belong. I've worked so hard on this house, and I feel like an interloper still.. like I'm living someone else's life, or worse yet, watching someone else's life while I wait for mine to begin. I'm letting time pass as I sit here with my perfectly picked kitsch.

Anyone who sees my life from the outside thinks to themselves, "She's got it going on. She's got a fantastic job (well, at least she's not a waitress at Outback anymore) and a great home. She's got that great Summer condo too in Corpus with an uninterrupted view of the bay where you can watch the pelicans and dolphins from the livingroom. Yep. She's come a long way." (Yeah, and she types with a lot of ""s too.)

Yep yep. Enviable. Me and my houses and my convertible and my rockin job. You know that girl who projects confidence in every step? You know the one with the self-depreciating humor? That hard worker, that self-starter, that go-getter? yup yup. Enviable me. I have everything but the one thing I really want.

My ex is my best friend. We get together at least once a week over margaritas and fajitas and talk about the week's events. Every now an then (and usually after the second margarita), we talk about getting back together. I think it's more about the familiarity we have with one another than an actual desire to cohabitate again.

I tried dating a bit. Barely. I actually joined an online singles meeting thing for professionals. I met a guy who I really enjoyed--at first. He was SO tall, and I love that after being married to someone a bit shorter. There's something comforting about being the petite one in the couple when I'm 6'0" tall. It felt safe. On our first date, we met at a sports bar and then went on to a gaming room where we played air hockey and pool, and I coulda cleaned him out if we'd bet money on any of the games. When he hugged me goodnight, he actually lifted me off the ground to do so. Damn that felt good. We met a few more times for drinks, dinner, and dancing. And, boy, did the phonecalls never stop. Multiple times a day. Multiple requests a day for more dates. I don't play games, so I told him, "Dude. I just got out of a nine year relationship. Let's keep this light. I like you, don't want to see anyone else right now, but you're kinda freaking me out." The constant pressure kept coming, so I went.

Second dude... well, he was too funny. I enjoyed talking to him on the phone a number of times. Software engineer or some geeky thing like that. I have to stop here and state, for the record, that I LOVE geeky boys with good grades! Anyhoo.. I get this strange feeling that he's juggling a few commitments, so I asked him about his living situation (funny how he always seemed to call when he was at work, or wanted me to call him at work, but not at home) and he goes on to tell me that he's currently living with his soon to be exe's mother. Do wha?! Motoring on now...

There's a guy at work who keeps flirting with me, and for my own ego's sake, I flirt back. It's cool though, I think. He asked me once what I'd do if he were serious about us "hooking up," and I told him that it would most likely ruin a good flirting friendship, and that would suck. He agreed. See.. the boy is married. I think he might have asked to make sure that it was safe to continue. Does that make sense? If I were at all really receptive, I think he'd get all geeked. I told him that he doesn't have to worry cause this girl doesn't play in other people's sandboxes. He did seem relieved. I think we both dig the ego-boost that comes from flirting.

I let my subscription/prescription to the professional singles online service lapse. I checked it out again, just perusing the singles ads after not having been online there in months. Same people were there.. The tall guy, the software engineer guy, etc.

And I'm still here..